Lifestyle

“Don’t spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door.”
-Coco Chanel

When we think about how to achieve success, we often focus on the skills and habits we should add to our lives.  But sometimes the key to success actually lies in our ability to give up certain habits and behaviors.  So starting today…

1. Give up the habit of waiting. – The way you spend your time defines who you are.  You don’t get to choose how you are going to die, or when; you can only decide how you are going to live right now.  Trust me, a year from now you will wish you had started today.  Read The Now Habit.
2. Give up the excuses. – Sooner or later you will come to realize that it’s not what you lose along the way that counts; it’s what you do with what you still have.  When you let go, forgive, and move on, you in no way change the past, you change the future.
3. Give up trying to be perfect. – Sometimes we try to show the world that we are flawless in hopes that we will be liked and accepted by everyone.  But we can’t please everyone, and we shouldn’t try.  The beauty of us lies in our vulnerability, our love, our complex emotions – our authentic imperfections.  When we embrace who we are and decide to be authentic, instead of perfect, we open ourselves up to real relationships, real happiness, and real success.  There is no need to put on a mask.  There is no need to pretend to be someone you’re not.  You are perfectly imperfect just the way you are.
4. Give up doing things you know are wrong. – Nothing is more damaging to you than doing something that you believe is wrong.  Your beliefs alone don’t help you grow and thrive, your behavior and actions do.  So always do what you know in your heart is right, for you.
5. Give up feelings of entitlement. – Nobody owes you anything.  When you approach life with the false sense that you are owed things, you will naturally become less productive and constantly find yourself disappointed by reality.  When you are grateful for what you have, and see positive things as bonuses, versus owed entitlements, you will earn great successes gradually as you grow.  Read The Road Less Traveled.
6. Give up relationships that want you to be someone else. – The best kind of relationship is the one that makes you a better person without changing you into someone other than yourself.
7. Give up letting others decide what you can and can’t do. – In order to live your own authentic life, you have to follow YOUR inner GPS, not someone else’s.  When others say, “You can’t do it!” or “That’s impossible,” don’t lose hope.  Just because they couldn’t doesn’t mean you can’t.
8. Give up being a helpless victim. – Yes, it is unfortunate that sometimes bad things happen to the best of people.  Life can be unfair, unkind and unjust.  However, being stuck in a victim mentality does not nurture your ability to move onward and upward.  You’ve got to stand back up and take positive steps to heal and grow.
9. Give up worrying about past failures. – Accept your past without regret, handle your presence with confidence, and face your future without fear.  You are today where your thoughts and actions have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts and actions take you.  Read How to Stop Worrying and Start Living.
10. Give up blaming everyone else. – Either you own your situation or it will own you.  Either you take responsibility for your life, or someone else will.  Blame is a scapegoat – it’s an easy way out of taking accountability for your own outcome.  It’s a lot easier to point the finger at someone or something else instead of looking within.  Blame is not constructive; it does not help you or anyone else – nobody wins in the blame game.  The amount of energy and stress it takes to place blame elsewhere takes away from your ability to move forward and find a real solution.

And remember, the road you are traveling may be the more challenging one, but don’t lose faith.  Don’t listen to the doubters, don’t let setbacks keep you down, and most of all, don’t give up on yourself.

It’s okay if you don’t know how much more you can handle.  It’s fine if you don’t know exactly what to do next.  Eventually you’ll let go of how things ‘should be’ and start to see all the great possibilities in front of you.  This is your life – grab the wheel with both hands and keep steering yourself in the right direction.

Photo by: Toni Blay

All education is self-education.  Period.  It doesn’t matter if you’re sitting in a college classroom or a coffee shop.  We don’t learn anything we don’t want to learn.

Those people who take the time and initiative to pursue knowledge on their own are the only ones who earn a real education in this world.  Take a look at any widely acclaimed scholar, entrepreneur or historical figure you can think of.  Formal education or not, you’ll find that he or she is a product of continuous self-education.

If you’re interested in learning something new, this article is for you.  Broken down by subject and/or category, here are several top-notch self-education resources I have bookmarked online over the past few years.

Note that some of the sources overlap between various subjects of education.  Therefore, each has been placed under a specific subject based on the majority focus of the source’s content.

Science and Health

• MIT OpenCourseWare – MIT OpenCourseWare is a free web-based publication of MIT course materials that reflects almost all the undergraduate and graduate subjects taught at MIT.
• Tufts OpenCourseWare – Tufts OpenCourseWare is part of a new educational movement initiated by MIT that provides free access to course content for everyone online.  Tufts’ course offerings demonstrate the University’s strength in the life sciences in addition to its multidisciplinary approach, international perspective and underlying ethic of service to its local, national and international communities.
• HowStuffWorks Science – More scientific lessons and explanations than you could sort through in an entire year.
• Harvard Medical School Open Courseware – The mission of the Harvard Medical School Open Courseware Initiative is to exchange knowledge from the Harvard community of scholars to other academic institutions, prospective students, and the general public.
• Khan Academy – Over 1200 videos lessons covering everything from basic arithmetic and algebra to differential equations, physics, chemistry, and biology.
• Open Yale Courses – Open Yale Courses provides lectures and other materials from selected Yale College courses to the public free of charge via the internet.  The courses span the full range of liberal arts disciplines, including humanities, social sciences, and physical and biological sciences.
• webcast.berkeley – Every semester, UC Berkeley webcasts select courses and events for on-demand viewing via the Internet.  webcast.berkeley course lectures are provided as a study resource for both students and the public.
• UC San Diego Podcast Lectures – UCSD’s podcasting service was established for instructional use to benefit our students.  Podcasts are taken down at the end of every quarter (10 weeks Fall-Spring and 5 weeks in the summer).  If you’re enjoying a podcast, be sure to subscribe and download the lectures.  Once the podcast has been taken offline, faculty rarely approve their reposting.
• Johns Hopkins OpenCourseWare – The Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health’s OpenCourseWare project provides access to content of the School’s most popular courses. As challenges to the world’s health escalate daily, the School feels a moral imperative to provide equal and open access to information and knowledge about the obstacles to the public’s health and their potential solutions.
• Carnegie Mellon Open Learning Initiative – No instructors, no credits, no charge.  Use these self-guiding Carnegie Mellon materials and activities to learn at your own pace.
• Utah State OpenCourseWare – Utah State OpenCourseWare is a collection of educational material used in our formal campus courses, and seeks to provide people around the world with an opportunity to access high quality learning opportunities.
• AMSER – AMSER (the Applied Math and Science Education Repository) is a portal of educational resources and services built specifically for use by those in Community and Technical Colleges but free for anyone to use.
• Wolfram Demonstrations Project – Wolfram brings computational exploration to the widest possible audience, open-code resource that uses dynamic computation to illuminate concepts.  Free player runs all demos and videos.
• The Science Forum – A very active scientific discussion and debate forum.
• Free Science and Video Lectures Online! – A nice collection of video lectures and lessons on science and philosophy.
• Science.gov – Science.gov searches over 42 databases and over 2000 selected websites from 14 federal agencies, offering 200 million pages of authoritative U.S. government science information including research and development results.
• The National Science Digital Library – NSDL is the Nation’s online library for education and research in Science, Technology, Engineering, Mathematics.
• EnviroLink Network–  A  non-profit organization, grassroots online community uniting organizations and volunteers around the world.  Up-to-date environmental information and news.
• Geology.com – Information about geology and earth science to visitors without charge: Articles, News, Maps, Satellite Images, Dictionary, etc.
• Scitable – A free science library and personal learning tool that currently concentrates on genetics, the study of evolution, variation, and the rich complexity of living organisms.  The site also expects to expand into other topics of learning and education.
• LearningScience.org – A free open learning community for sharing newer and emerging tools to teach science.

Business and Money

• MIT Sloan School of Management – MIT Sloan is a world-class business school long renowned for thought leadership and the ability to successfully partner theory and practice.  This is a subsection of the larger MIT OpenCourseWare site.
• Investopedia Financial Investing Tutorials – A plethora of detailed lessons on money management and investing.
• U.S. Small Business Administration Training Network – The Small Business Administration has one of the best selections of business courses on the web. Topics include everything from starting a business and business management to government contracting and international trade. Most courses take only 30 minutes to complete.
• VideoLectures.NET (Business) – A free and open access educational video lectures repository. The lectures are given by distinguished scholars and scientists at the most important and prominent events like conferences, summer schools, workshops and science promotional events from many fields of Science.
• My Own Business, Inc. – Offers a free online business administration course that would be beneficial to new managers and to anyone who is interested in starting a business. This comprehensive course is split up into 16 sessions covering topics like business plans, accounting, marketing, insurance, e-commerce and international trade.
• UC Irvine OpenCourseWare (Business) – Rapidly with the addition of nearly 10 new courses every month. Many of our OCW offerings are directed at working adults seeking continuing education, with the option to enroll in instructor-led, for-credit courses, related to the OCW content.
• Kutztown University of Pennsylvania – The Kutztown University of Pennsylvania’s Small Business Development Center offers more than 80 free business courses online. Kutztown’s courses are individualized and self-paced. Many of the courses feature high-end graphics, interactive case studies and audio streams.
• Boston College Front Row (Business) – Boston College Front Row is a Web site that offers free access through streaming media to tapes of cultural and scholarly events at Boston College.
• Financial Management Training Center – The Financial Management Training Center provides several free downloadable business courses for people who need to learn the finer points of financial management. All courses offered can be taken online; courses include full exams as well as evaluation forms for people seeking Continuing Professional Education (CPE) credits.
• The Free Nonprofit Micro-eMBA – Free Management Library’s Free Nonprofit Micro-eMBA Program is an especially great resource for students wishing to learn more about nonprofit management, but most of the lessons also apply to general business management. Completion of this program will not result in an MBA degree, but enrollment is free and the material is well structured.
• Bookboon Free Business e-books – Hundreds of free business books online in PDF format.
• TheStreet University – If you’re just starting out as a stock and bond investor or need a refresher’s course, this is the place to learn what you need to know.

History and World Culture

• University of Washington’s OpenUW – Explore a variety of learning in several free history-centric online courses from the University of Washington.
• Notre Dame OpenCourseWare – Notre Dame OCW is a free and open educational resource for faculty, students, and self-learners throughout the world.
• Bio’s Best – Biography.com’s most popular biographies on notable historical figures.
• UC Irvine OpenCourseWare (Social Science) – Rapidly with the addition of nearly 10 new courses every month. Many of our OCW offerings are directed at working adults seeking continuing education, with the option to enroll in instructor-led, for-credit courses, related to the OCW content.
• Boston College Front Row (History) – Boston College Front Row is a Web site that offers free access through streaming media to tapes of cultural and scholarly events at Boston College.
• MIT OpenCourseWare (History) – The MIT History Faculty offers about 70 subjects in the areas of Ancient, North American, European, East Asian, and Middle Eastern history.
• Wikiversity School of Social Sciences – Wikiversity is a Wikimedia Foundation project devoted to learning resources, learning projects, and research for use in all levels, types, and styles of education from pre-school to university, including professional training and informal learning.
• OpenLearn (Arts and Humanities) – The OpenLearn website gives free access to Open University course materials.
• A Biography of America – A Biography of America presents history not simply as a series of irrefutable facts to be memorized, but as a living narrative of America’s story.
• Have Fun with History – A resource for students, educators and all lovers of American History.
• The USGenWeb Project – Free genealogy and family history resources online.
• MacroHistory and World Report – Tell without illusions or ideological restraints the story of our ancestors, our parents and us.
• World History HyperHistory – Navigates through 3000 years of World History with links to important persons and events of world historical importance.
• American Digital History – Online American history textbook. An interactive, multimedia history of the United States from the Revolution to the present.

Law

•  Duke Law Center for the Public Domain – Duke University is counted amongst the best schools in the South. If you’re interested in law, Duke’s open courseware in that subject area can go a long way towards helping you learn more about the justice system.
• Intute Law – Provides free access to high quality resources on the Internet. Each resource has been evaluated and categorised by subject specialists based at UK universities.
• Boston College Front Row (Law) – Boston College Front Row is a Web site that offers free access through streaming media to tapes of cultural and scholarly events at Boston College.
• American University – Offers a selection of podcasts on a number of different law-related subjects. There is even a very interesting podcast on debt relief and the law.
• Lewis & Clark Law School – Provides a number of podcast from the law school. Subjects include tax law, business law, environmental law and other areas of law. Interesting and insightful lectures on the law.
• Case Western Reserve University School of Law – Offers a number of interesting lectures on different law subjects. These lectures are both podcasts and Web casts. You can look ahead to the coming school year, which already has a number of interesting subjects lined up.
• Harvard Law School – Provides a number of Web casts of law lectures, symposia, panels and conferences. A great collection of relevant information and insights on how the law interacts with current events.
• Stanford Law – Provides open courseware via iTunes on a variety of law subjects, including the theory of justice, mobile content distribution, gay marriage, judicial review and privacy protection. The tracks are available for free, but you’ll need iTunes. Put the lectures on your iPod or iPhone and listen them anywhere.
• MoneyInstructor Business Law – From MoneyInstructor.com provides a look at a number of basics in business law. Learn how to define crimes under business law. Worksheets and curriculums are available for teachers. Ordinary folks will find them useful as well.
• Wesleyan College Constitutional Law – From North Carolina Wesleyan College offers an overview of the U.S. Constitution and the laws springing from it. Online lectures and class notes are included, which can help you develop a strong understanding of the Constitution and how it forms the basis of our laws.

Computer Science and Engineering

• VideoLectures.NET (Computer Science) – A free and open access educational video lectures repository. The lectures are given by distinguished scholars and scientists at the most important and prominent events like conferences, summer schools, workshops and science promotional events from many fields of Science.
• Wikiversity School of Computer Science and Technology – Wikiversity is a Wikimedia Foundation project devoted to learning resources, learning projects, and research for use in all levels, types, and styles of education from pre-school to university, including professional training and informal learning.
• New York State University (US), Computer Science – Hundreds of lectures, tutorials and links to educational material.
• Dream.In.Code Tutorials – Lots of computer programming tutorials.
• MIT OpenCourseWare (Engineering and Computer Science) – MIT OpenCourseWare is a free web-based publication of MIT course materials that reflects almost all the undergraduate and graduate subjects taught at MIT.
• Maine University (US), Fogler Guide to Computer Science – An insanely detailed list of computer science resources.
• FreeComputerBooks.com  – Free computer, mathematics, technical books and lecture notes.
• Collection of Computer Science Bibliographies – A massive collection of bibliographies of scientific literature in computer science, updated weekly from original locations, more than 3 millions of references (mostly to journal articles, conference papers and technical reports), clustered in about 2000 bibliographies.
• W3Schools – Web-building tutorials, from basic HTML and XHTML to advanced XML, SQL, Database, Multimedia and WAP.
• FreeTechBooks.com – This site lists free online computer science, engineering and programming books, textbooks and lecture notes, all of which are legally and freely available over the Internet.
• Free computer Tutorials – Free computer courses and tutorials site. All the courses are aimed at complete beginners, so you don’t need experience to get started.
• Programmer 101: Teach Yourself How to Code – Several helpful resources for computer programming beginners.
• Google Code University – Provides sample course content and tutorials for Computer Science (CS) students and educators on current computing technologies and paradigms.

Mathematics

• Oxford University Mathematics OpenCourseWare – Various online mathematics classes provided free by Oxford University.
• UMass Boston Mathematics – Various online mathematics classes provided free by UMass Boston.
• Whatcom Online Math Center – Various math lessons provided free by Whatcom Community College.
• VideoLectures.NET (Mathematics) – A free and open access educational video lectures repository. The lectures are given by distinguished scholars and scientists at the most important and prominent events like conferences, summer schools, workshops and science promotional events from many fields of Science.
• Wikiversity School of Mathematics – Wikiversity is a Wikimedia Foundation project devoted to learning resources, learning projects, and research for use in all levels, types, and styles of education from pre-school to university, including professional training and informal learning.
• AMSER Mathematics – AMSER (the Applied Math and Science Education Repository) is a portal of educational resources and services built specifically for use by those in Community and Technical Colleges but free for anyone to use.
• Math.com – Math.com is dedicated to providing revolutionary ways for students, parents, teachers, and everyone to learn math.
• Intute Mathematics – Provides free access to high quality resources on the Internet. Each resource has been evaluated and categorized by subject specialists based at UK universities.
• Free-Ed College Mathematics – Offers a wide range of free online math courses and study programs.

English and Communications

• Open Yale Courses (English) – Open Yale Courses provides lectures and other materials from selected Yale College courses to the public free of charge via the internet.
• Writing Guidelines for Engineering and Science Students – These guidelines for engineering writing and scientific writing are designed to help students communicate their technical work.
• MIT Writing and Humanistic Studies – The MIT Program in Writing and Humanistic Studies gives students the opportunity to learn the techniques, forms, and traditions of several kinds of writing, from basic expository prose to more advanced forms of non-fictional prose, fiction and poetry, science writing, scientific and technical communication and digital media.
• Merriam-Webster Online – In this digital age, your ability to communicate with written English is paramount skill.  And M-W.com is the perfect resource to improve your English now.
• National Novel Writing Month – Valuing enthusiasm and perseverance over painstaking craft, NaNoWriMo is a novel-writing program for everyone who has thought fleetingly about writing a novel but has been scared away by the time and effort involved.
• Lifewriting – A complete text of the 9-week writing class a professor taught for years at UCLA.
• Guide to Grammar and Writing – Grammar and writing techniques, lessons and quizzes.
• Purdue Online Writing Lab – Over 200 free resources including lessons on: writing, research, grammar, and style guides.

Foreign and Sign Languages

• BBC Languages – Teach yourself a new spoken language online.
• American Sign Language Browser – Teach yourself sign language online.
• Livemocha – Start learning a new language online for free.
• Learn10 – Gives you a language learning habit that’s hard to kick. 10 new words; everywhere, every day.
• One Minute Languages – Learn a new language via podcasts that are updated regularly.
• Mango Languages – Over 100 lessons, shown to you in PowerPoint style with interstitial quizzes, to move you through any language without cracking a book.

Multiple Subjects and Miscellaneous

• OpenLearn – The OpenLearn website gives free access to Open University course materials.  Multiple subjects are covered.
• Capilano University OpenCourseWare – The Capilano University OpenCourseWare site is a free and open educational resource for faculty, students, and self-learners throughout the world.
• University of Southern Queensland’s OpenCourseWare – Provides access to free and open educational resources for faculty members, students, and self-learners throughout the world.
• YouTube EDU – Educational videos on YouTube organized by subject matter.
• LearnHub Test Prep – Raise your test scores with free practice tests & counseling on various subjects.
• iTunes U – Hundreds of universities — including Stanford, Yale and MIT — distribute lectures, slide shows, PDFs, films, exhibit tours and audio books through iTunes U.  The Science section alone contains content on topics including agriculture, astronomy, biology, chemistry, physics, ecology and geography.
• United Nations University OpenCourseWare – Showcases the training and educational programs implemented by the University in a wide range of areas relevant to the work of the United Nations.
• Brigham Young Independent Study – BYU Independent Study now offers free courses in different areas of study.  These areas include Family History, Family Life, and Religious Scripture Study, Personal Dev elopement, etc.  Use these courses as a starting point for your personal studies or just to add insight to an area of interest.
• University of Utah OpenCourseWare – Provides access to free and open educational resources for faculty members, students, and self-learners throughout the world.
• United States Nation Archives – The National Archives and Records Administration (NARA) is the nation’s record keeper.  Valuable records are preserved and are available to you, whether you want to see if they contain clues about your family’s history, need to prove a veteran’s military service, or are researching an historical topic that interests you.
• Wikiversity – Wikiversity is a Wikimedia Foundation project devoted to learning resources, learning projects, and research for use in all levels, types, and styles of education from pre-school to university, including professional training and informal learning.
• UMass Boston OpenCourseWare – Various online classes provided free by UMass Boston.
• About U – A collection of free online educational courses from About.com.
• Academic Earth – Online degrees and video courses from leading universities.
• Free-Ed – Clusters of courses that support your preparation for today’s fastest-growing careers and critical academic disciplines.
• Connexions – A place to view and share educational material made of small knowledge chunks called modules that can be organized as courses, books, reports, etc. Anyone may view or contribute.
• TED – Motivational and educational lectures from noteworthy professionals around the world.
• Intute – Provides free access to high quality resources on the Internet. Each resource has been evaluated and categorised by subject specialists based at UK universities.
• Boston College Front Row – Boston College Front Row is a Web site that offers free access through streaming media to tapes of cultural and scholarly events at Boston College.

Free Books and Reading Recommendations

• LibraryThing – LibraryThing connects you to other people who are readin
  

There is no exercise better for your heart than
reaching down and lifting others up.

PLEASE NOTE: This post has been updated and moved to here:

7 Hard Things You Should Start Doing for Others

Photo by: Jesslee Cuizon

As long as you’re going to be thinking anyway, think BIG.
-Donald Trump

I’ve picked-up these habits gradually over the years while working beside some impressively successful people – seven figure internet entrepreneurs, best selling authors, talented CEOs, etc.  Even though these aren’t the typical success habits you’d read about in a self-improvement book like The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, they’ve been extremely effective in my life by helping me align my daily efforts with a winning mindset.  I’m confident they can do the same for you.

Here’s what I would do if I were you:

1.  Help at least one person a day.

The best part of life is not just surviving, but thriving with passion, compassion, humor, generosity, and kindness, and using these tools to make the world a better place.

Smile, and help others smile too.  If you don’t have the power or strength to write someone’s happiness, then try to help them remove their sadness instead.  And don’t let the numbers overwhelm you.  You can’t help everyone at once.  Focus on assisting one person at a time, and always start with the person closest to you.

If you can lie down at night knowing in your heart that you made someone’s day just a little brighter, you had a successful day.  Read 365 Thank Yous.

2.  When you feel like giving up, ask yourself, “Can I give more?”

The honest answer is almost always, “Yes.”  And once your mind realizes it can, it usually does.

One of the unique things about the human mind is that it can do only what it thinks it can do.  The minute you say, “I don’t have the energy” or “I’m not capable of that,” you are actually training your brain to live up to your diminished expectations.

Low expectations mean low results.  So watch how you speak to yourself.  And when you reach that point of struggle in your mind where most people would give in and give up, do the opposite and give it another shot.

3.  Respect everyone.

When you respect people it gives you a special kind of access to them.  No, you don’t automatically get the key to their hearts.  What you do get is an increased understanding and rapport, and that can be priceless.

If you’re a business owner, respecting your prospective customers will bring you more of their business.  If you’re a teacher, respecting your students will add increased effectiveness to your teaching.  If you’re an athlete, respecting the other team will help you build an effective strategy to win the game.

In all walks of life, respect opens the doors of opportunity.

4.  Accept exactly where you are, wherever you are.

One of the great secrets to being happy and successful is accepting where you are in life and making the most of it.  You won’t always know where you are going, but as long as you keep moving forward the journey will be rewarding.

One step at a time, one foot in front of the other, time has a way of gradually showing you the way to what truly matters.  Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes in the middle of nowhere you find yourself.  Read The Untethered Soul.

5.  Seek lots of new life experiences.

The people with the greatest wisdom are the ones who have been through the most.  So start strong, stay strong, and finish strong by always remembering why you’re doing it in the first place.  It’s all about learning and growing along the way.

The most valuable lessons in life cannot be taught, they must be experienced.  When you reflect on your life, you will likely see some pain, mistakes, and heartache.  But when you look in the mirror, you will see the strength, growth, and wisdom that made it all worthwhile.

6.  Maintain a diehard belief in yourself.

A strong positive mental attitude will create more miracles than any wonder drug.  Your individual thoughts and beliefs are similar to chapters in a book.  When you put them together, you have the belief system that becomes your life story.

If you are going to be successful in creating the life you dream of, you have to believe that you are capable of doing so.  You have to believe that you have the resources, talents, and skills necessary to create your desired results.

7.  Walk your own path.

A good life is not living the life everyone else intended for you.  Be true to yourself.  Stand firmly by your core values.  Your life is your spiritual path.  It’s what’s right in front of you.

You can’t live anyone else’s life.  The task is to live yours and stop trying to copy the ones you think are more acceptable.  Because if you water yourself down to please everyone else, to fit in, or to not step on anyone’s toes, you will lose the passion, freedom, and joy of being who you really are.

8.  Find an opportunity in every outcome, positive or negative.

Sometimes things happen exactly as you had expected, and then there are other times when nothing goes as planned.  In either situation, there is a way to respond triumphantly.

Your victories bring happiness and feelings of self-achievement.  Your defeats bring wisdom, strength, and determination.  Both outcomes bring new opportunities.  In this way, life moves continually forward.

In each moment, you can build upon whatever has come before.  Right now, you are exactly where you are supposed to be.  Because right now, you are in the only time and place where you can actually make a difference.  Read The Happiness Project.

9.  Need less.

Instead of focusing so intently on what you want to get, consider the things you can let go of.  Eliminate some excess baggage, lighten your load, and feel a weight lifted.  So many of the things you think you need, you do not need at all, you simply want them.  And as your wants diminish, your freedom and abundance grow.

Because long-term fulfillment in life is not about getting all that you need; fulfillment is knowing the freedom to be all that you are without the excess.  It’s about wanting what you have at any given moment, and making the best of it.

Bottom line:  Ambition, intention, and disciplined effort will bring you great things in this world, but there is more to success than acquiring the commonly celebrated milestones of success that society confers.  In the long run, less is often more.

Photo by: Severin Sadjina

by Ash Roy

It’s important to understand that love is not just about finding the right person; it’s about working with them to create the right relationship.

Do you struggle in your relationship with your significant other from time to time?  Do you wonder if there’s a way to live together more harmoniously?

I’ve been there.

Can I tell you a little secret?

Most “happy, healthy couples” don’t expect to be happy and harmonious all the time.  They deal with their little quibbles and make conscious choices that lead to happiness as a couple in the long-term.

Being in a relationship with one person for more than a few years is one heck of a ride.  It ain’t always easy.  In fact, it’s hard a lot of the time.

See, it’s not about finding the right one, but rather about being the right one.

Before I got married, I embarked on a mini research project.  I asked over 100 couples who’d been married for more than 20 years this one question: “What’s the secret to a happy marriage?”

What I learned from them really broadened my perspective on relationships.  It set a realistic framework for my marriage.  Ten years later, my wife and I still love each other dearly — despite the various ups and downs all marriages are subject to.

The lessons that research project taught me, combined with my own experiences, have revealed key daily habits necessary for a happy, healthy relationship.

Here are 10 things happy, healthy couples do every day:

1.  They cherish their differences.

Have you noticed a happy couple together?  They aren’t fiercely independent or pathologically dependent.  They’ve struck a healthy medium.

I think of it as interdependence.  They can agree to disagree on the little things.

Sure, they’re aligned on the big things like life goals.  But they don’t feel that they have to like the same music and share a favorite color.  They don’t expect their partner to approve of all their choices.  Each partner stands in his or her own power and respects the other’s opinion.

Each partner is a happy and successful person in his or her own right.

2.  They keep their assumptions in check.

We go into most situations with certain assumptions —based on our life experiences.

Let’s say one partner grew up in a touchy-feely family and the other didn’t.  The one who did grow up in a touchy-feely family is likely to interpret the other’s behavior as distant or indifferent.

The incorrect assumption?  To express affection, we must be touchy-feely.  That assumption right there can wreak havoc in a relationship!

The solution? Be mindful of your underlying assumptions that sabotage your relationship.

So how do you actually do this?  The next time you’re upset with your partner, check in with yourself first.  Ask yourself: “What are the facts and what are my opinions (based on my assumptions) about this situation?”

Fact: He’s not very physically expressive.

Opinion (based on your assumptions): He doesn’t love me as much as I love him.

Now that you’ve separated the facts from your opinion, question your opinion.  Does that opinion help or hurt your relationship?  I find this kind of self-inquiry to be surprisingly powerful.  Try it.  (Read The Mastery of Love.)

3.  They don’t confuse their spouse with a carnival psychic.

It’s quite common to think of our partner as an extension of ourselves.  It just happens.  We often assume they know what we’re thinking… almost as if he or she lives in our head.

Here’s an example: John loves his wife Alice.  They’ve been married for 8 years.  Alice comes back from an awful day at work and John greets her enthusiastically.

Alice somehow expects John to know she’s had a bad day.  She wants space and finds his enthusiasm annoying.  Meanwhile, John has no idea what’s going through Alice’s mind, and is trying to work out why she’s so cold and distant.

See the problem here?

We often assume our partners live in our heads and then expect them to respond to our un-communicated frustrations.

Not. Going. To. Happen.

Happy, healthy couples have worked this out.  They make a conscious effort to communicate their needs to each other — even if it seems obvious.

Especially when it seems obvious.

4.  They do their best to step into each other’s shoes.

In other words, they are mindful of each other’s unique perspective.

Imagine this: You know your partner had very little sleep last night.  If you are mindful of this, you’ll interpret their abruptness through their lens (not yours): “I’m tired and I’m not myself right now.”

You won’t take things as personally as you otherwise would have.  You’ll realize it has nothing to do with you and won’t feel hurt.  You won’t react with anger.

Conflict averted.

Even better, you’re more likely to be considerate and offer to give them a back rub to take the edge off.  A little empathy driven shift in perspective goes a really long way.

5.  They recognize the value of personal growth.

You know how to tell if something is alive and well?  You look for evidence of growth.

Great relationships usually have partners committed to lifelong learning and growth.  They’re curious about things.  They are keen to learn from the world and from each other.

Because of their love for learning they afford each other the freedom to develop as individuals within the relationship.

I’ve seen quite a lot of unhappiness in relationships caused by one or both partners being clingy.  They don’t want their significant other to change so they don’t have to change themselves.

But here’s the simple truth: Change is a part of the universe and humans are no exception.

If you want to have a successful relationship you’ve got to embrace learning and personal growth with open arms.

6.  They assume the best of intentions.

Life throws a lot of challenges in every couple’s way.  Happy, healthy couples have figured out the solution lies in consciously adopting an optimistic attitude towards each other and the world in general.

In practice, this means they choose to look for good intentions behind each other’s actions rather than assuming the worst.  They build their relationship on this platform of faith in each other.

The result?  Their approach engenders trust and respect — two key cornerstones of a successful relationship.

Cultivating learned optimism gives you an opportunity to ‘set the tone’ in the relationship.  You feed off each other’s energy and can create a bond where the whole is greater than the sum of the parts.  (Marc and Angel discuss this in more detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

7.  They seek rapport even in moments of conflict.

Smart couples know the importance of mirroring their partner’s feelings by repeating their partner’s words.

“What I heard you say was that you’re very angry and hurt about my having forgotten your birthday.  I’m sorry that I forgot your birthday and I understand that you’re angry and hurt.  I’d feel the same way if I were you.”

By repeating their partner’s exact words and phrases it forces them to empathize deeply.

Honoring each other’s feelings reinforces mutual trust and respect and builds deep understanding.

8.  They figure out a way to reconnect.

One of the best books on relationships that I’ve read is called Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix.  Hendrix believes the main reason couples fight is because they feel disconnected.  And happy, healthy couples have figured out ways to reconnect.  They both take individual responsibility to reconnect after a little argument or any sort of friction that inevitably creeps into their day-to-day lives.

They don’t let their daily resentments eat away at the relationship.

Sure, they give each other space when necessary, but then they figure out a way to reconnect with each other — usually via acts of good will and kindness.

A bunch of flowers picked from the garden.  A bit of humor to lighten the mood.  A hug.  Heck, even a smile.  It doesn’t really matter what.  They do something to reconnect and they do it as soon as possible.

9.  They make time to nurture their relationship. (Especially if they have kids!)

Ever seen a couple with kids at the grocery store.  See that look on their faces?  Like they’re about to explode.  That’s cause they are!

Kids can obliterate essential ‘couple time’ — critical to any happy relationship.

Happy, healthy couples know this and they make time to spend exclusively with each other.  Whether this means getting a babysitter and having a date night every week or just having a glass of wine together after the kids have gone to bed.  They make sure it happens.

It’s essential to make time!  I can’t stress it enough.  Don’t do this and it could be years before you really connect with each again — if at all!  And if you eventually do you won’t recognize each other.

So, when was the last time you went out for a planned date with your partner?

10.  They are committed to weathering the peaks and valleys.

I’ve saved the best for last, because this is the most crucial point of them all.

Show me any great couple and I’ll show you two people who are committed to making their relationship work.  No.  Matter.  What.  They put in the effort day in and day out.  They’re willing to have the difficult conversations.  They fight, but they admit to their mistakes and apologize.  They argue, but make the effort to understand the other’s perspective.

Because every healthy relationship needs an argument every now and then… just to prove that it is strong enough to survive.  Long-term relationships, the ones that matter, are all about weathering the peaks and the valleys.

Happy, healthy couples know this, and they persevere.  They don’t give up on each other.  They stick it out.

Afterthoughts

A happy, healthy long-term relationship as I’ve described in this post may be one decision away from you.

And that’s the decision to be that ideal partner you’re looking for in your partner.  In most cases, what you bring into the relationship has a direct impact on what you get out of it.

I believe every one of us is capable of making this decision.

I did.  And so can you.

It won’t be easy.  But it’s well worth it in the end.

Your turn…

In your experience, what helps create a happy, healthy relationship?  Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts with the community.

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Author Bio:  Ash Roy teaches busy people to work smart and live better by eliminating stress and increasing productivity.  Download a free copy of 10 Time Saving Tools That’ll Make You A Productivity Ninja.